


Ghosted

by Floopdeedoopdee



Category: Chicago PD (TV)
Genre: Emotional Whump, Hurt/Comfort, Jay Halstead Whump
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-05
Updated: 2019-10-26
Packaged: 2020-11-24 17:06:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,388
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20911109
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Floopdeedoopdee/pseuds/Floopdeedoopdee
Summary: Jay is in a difficult situation and abandoned by those he loves.  He has lost their trust, they have lost his.  Can they all make it through to the other side and learn to trust again?  Will Jay even live to make it to the other side.  Jay whump.  Emotional and physical.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Ugh. Another story knocking around my head that I must set free. This will hopefully only be a couple of chapters. I need to finish Target and Jay. 
> 
> I hope you enjoy! Let me know what you think. Your comments inspire me! In fact, someone's nice comment got me off my butt and inspired me to finish this first chapter of a new story!
> 
> I own nothing to do with Chicago PD except my love for the show and its characters!
> 
> There is some violence (talked about) and some swearing.

They look at Voight in stunned silence. One more time Ruzek asks are you sure? Voight doesn’t answer him this time but puts his answer out to the room. 

“I’ve already spelled it out. I’ve shown you what they’ve got. Do I have to draw anyone a picture?” He looks at each one of them. “Good. Get back to work.” He walks back into his office and slams the door. 

You could hear a pin drop as they all went to their desks and individually cycled through; denial, reluctant acceptance, fear, disbelief, skipped over denial, back to acceptance but with a big ‘what the fuck’ attached to it. Then they moved on to cycle through hurt, sadness, betrayal and finally anger at Jay, as they all rethought their relationships with one Det. Jay Halstead. 

*******

As they stewed in their emotions for the next hour, they hadn’t thought through what they would do when Jay arrived from court; so they were all stunned when he came bounding up the steps, wearing his shit kicking grin and raring to go. With his testimony, his part in the Pearson case was finally over. Thank God. He got one step into the bullpen and it was like he ran into a wall. The anger rolling off the team at him was palpable.

It is Voight who finally speaks, “Halstead my office.”

Jay gets as far as his desk when two IA detectives come from the back stairs. It’s obvious, though he doesn’t know why, that they’re here for him.

”Sarg, what the hell...”

“As of right now, you are on unpaid administrative leave. I need your badge and gun.” 

“Sarg?”

“Gun and badge, Halstead. Don’t make me ask again.”

In what feels like slow motion, he removes the clip from his gun, removes the badge hanging around his neck and holds them out to his Sergeant...who doesn’t take them. He feels the squeeze of his heart as he steps forward and lays his life on the desk. 

One of the IA detectives steps forward, takes Jay’s badge and gun and hands them to his partner. 

“Jay Halstead, you are under arrest. Please place your hands on the desk. Do you have any other weapons on your person?”

Jay looks at Voight, a man he has come to respect, a man he would call a friend, a man who, in a heart beat, he would take a bullet for. But he gets nothing. He’s become a ghost to him in the time it took to walk to his desk. 

Jay doesn’t put his hands on the desk but responds to the question, “No. Nothing else. Sarge, what’s going on?” What he saw in Voight’s eyes made him think that Sarg was wishing he could take him to the silos. Voight doesn’t respond to the question, just stands there closed off, arms crossed against his chest, leaning against the wall.

He turns his to each member of the team and silently asks each of them that same question. No one says anything. What he sees, hell feels almost knocks him on his ass. Anger and something like disbelief from Adam. Atwater looks like he is taking the measure of the man and not liking what he saw in Jay. Burgess looking at him like she was looking at a stranger. Antonio looked at him then turned away like a father who had just disowned his son. Each look he receives in return to his silent question, seems to squeeze his heart tighter and tighter until he gets to Hailey. There is disappointment and sadness from Hailey but when he lingers on her, hoping for support, she looks at him with anger and turns away from him. He had hoped her response would release his heart. Instead, the look he receives from his most trusted friend, grips his heart and squeezes it to dust. His face twists in pain as tears prick the back of his eyes. The despair he broadcasts is brief before the stoic masked falls, shuttering his feelings. 

Jay is shocked, not by being arrested. Yes, that was shocking but that shock was trumped by the shock of his team’s reaction to him being arrested. 

When Al got arrested they all fought for him, they were all pissed. First that Al was getting arrested but also for the way they went about it. They were going to put cuffs on AL?!!! A veteran on the force AND perp walk him out of here? Al was innocent and we all knew it, never doubted it.

Stunned, he is on auto pilot as he goes to place his hands on the desk, then comes to his senses, “Wait…” He pulls away from the arresting officers, “Just wait!”

He just stares at them. Finally the emotion he didn’t even realize he should or even could have, slams into him like a freight train. 

Anger. 

He turns to the team. “What the hell is this? What the fuck is going on?”

He looks around the room, at the officers, at his team. “What am I being arrested for?”

The gate buzzes and Will comes running up the steps. He stops in his tracks, taking in the scene and then looks at Voight. He blows out a breath and hangs his head. He doesn’t look surprised. He doesn’t question what is happening.

What the…“Will? WILL!”

And just like that, his anger is taken from him. His breath leaves his body. Will’s blatant dismissal is a punch in the gut of epic proportions. Again he feels his face twist in pain. He hates that he has no control over his emotions and for the second time in 5 minutes he has broadcast that pain to anyone looking. He blinks away the tears, refusing to let them fall, they make him feel weak. He has never felt so lost, not even when he came back from Afghanistan. 

Will doesn’t look at him, just takes a step back and leans agains the wall, never lifting his head. Not acknowledging him in the slightest. His heart squeezes in his chest and he briefly wonders if that could actually kill him if it continues. Maybe when this is all over he’ll ask Will. When this is all over.

He looks at his brother, the members of Intelligence, waiting for someone, anyone to speak on his behalf. He is met with silence. He looks down so he can school his face and puts his hands on the desk and spreads his legs. The officer pats him down and cuffs him. With his stoic mask finally in place, he raises his head to look Voight in the eye. He doesn’t even get that. Everyone has already turned away from him. He is a ghost to everyone he knows and loves. 

*******

He sits quietly in the back of the squad car on the way to Central booking. His mind is spinning out of control. He replays what just happened again and again and his heart seizes every time as he realizes the people he knows, the people who know him, believe what he is accused of. They didn’t even tell him what he ‘did,’ like he should just know. Whatever it was, they didn’t ask for an explanation or his side of the story. There was no support. It was Lonnie Rodiger all over again.

But Rodiger he could understand. He was stalking him after all, was harassing him. But Rodiger was a pedophile and the team or at least members of it, quickly came around and supported him. But this...this was different. If he didn’t know better he would say they hated him. 

He is distracted from his thoughts when they pull up to Central, where he’s perp walked in. He ignores the stares but listens for any comments that might tell him what the fuck he might have done. 

Nothing. 

When they are done with the mug shots and fingerprinting, they take his clothes, shoes and all his belongings and commence with the humiliating body search. He’s then given his “jailhouse scrubs’ and slip on shoes. They handcuff him in front this time, with a chain going down to the cuffs on his ankles. 

They put him in a corner and give him his phone call. Except he has no one to call and that again puts the squeeze on his heart. He finally decides to call Will. He schools his emotions and takes a few sniper breaths to calm himself down. As soon as Will answers, all of that is thrown out the window and his words come out in a rush.

“Will, I don’t know what is going on, what was going on back there. I’m at Central Booking now. Do you know…” 

“Jay. JAY! Stop.” It is quiet on the other end of the line and then Jay starts again in a calm, controlled voice.

“Will, whatever this is, I’m not…”

“JAY! Stop.” Again it is quiet.

“Will?”

“Jay. God, this is hard.” He blows out a breath and trips all over what he had planned on saying when Jay called. “I ah can’t talk to you right now. This is too much. Jay…I don’t know what to tell you…I don’t, I don’t know what you should do…” Then it comes back to him why Jay has been arrested and all thought, all emotion leaves him. “I can’t talk to you.”

Jay sits there stunned as he listens to his brother stammer and finally hang up on him. The coldness with which Will spoke his last words, ‘I can’t talk to you,’ is like a knife in the heart. 

His dad is dead, his brother believes he’s a criminal and his unit obviously believes the same. Any backup he ever had, anyone that could cover his six has no desire to do so. The thought crosses his mind, if Mouse was here, would he turn his back on him also? If everyone else did why wouldn’t Mouse? He’s stabbed in the heart again at that thought. He can’t go there. He can’t fondle that thought. He’s this close to tipping over the edge and speculation of that will do it. He’s not quite sure what would be ‘over the edge’ but he doesn’t want to find out. 

He gets the booking officer’s attention and tells him he’ll need a public defender.

He is then taken to a holding cell, reminding the officer as he shuffles along, chains jangling, that he’s a cop and can’t go into gen pop. 

No response. 

He’s handed off to another officer as they make their way further into the jail. He also lets this officer know he’s a cop. 

Nothing. 

Finally he arrives at the destination. 

“Open 3.”

There is a buzz and the click of a lock. They stand in front of an empty cell and he blows out a breath of relief. His ankle cuffs are removed and he is locked in the cell. He puts his arms out and the officer removes the cuffs and walks away. 

His accommodations can be taken in with the blink of an eye. Toilet, bed, walls, floor, ceiling. 

He avoids the bed and sits on the floor as far from the toilet as he can. He pulls his knees up and rests his arms on them, holding his head in his hands. He replays the day. The pain in his heart squeezes with an ever tightening grip until finally he he lets out a scream of frustration. He is beginning to feel panicked, like there is no way out of this and he doesn’t even know what this is. He still doesn’t know why he’s been arrested. 

Will he be one of the 10,000 wrongful convictions this year? He laughs. The average time for a wrongful conviction to be overturned is 8-10 years. You start to be institutionalized after 1 year. Who will he be in 8 years. Not Jay Halstead. That is if he is alive. Even though cops aren’t put in general population, they still have a way of finding themselves dead or abused in the worst ways…STOP! JUST FUCKING STOP!

He takes a breath and focuses on the here and now. Don’t get ahead of yourself. He thinks of Hailey then his thoughts go to Will. They just wrote him off, no questions asked. And that is what does him in. That is when his heart finally and totally breaks and that is when the tears finally start to fall. 

*******

THE NEXT DAY

When Will finally comes to his senses, he calls Hailey. She has to do something. He doesn’t care about the evidence. He knows Jay wouldn’t do something like this. 

He sucks in a breath. “Hailey…”

“My hands are tied Will.”

“Hailey please…”

“WILL!”

“Hailey I need to see him…God, Hailey, IS HE SAFE? Are they keeping him safe?”

That is when the tears start to fall. 

In a choked voice, “Please, Hailey. Get me in to see him.”

“I’ll see what I can do…I’ll call you either way.”

“Hailey…please, make sure he’s safe.”

*******

Later that day Hailey comes through. The guard escorts them to Jay’s cell and leaves. They are dumbfounded as they take in Jay through the bars. His lunch tray and the ‘food’ that was on it, is scattered about the cell. His blanket has been shoved into the toilet. He lays on the bare mattress, one hand behind his head and just stares at them with empty eyes. They stare at him also… he’s had the shit beat out of him. He has a black eye and a scrape on his cheek. His jaw is bruised and he has another cut at his hairline. He’s got a bruise on his left bicep and a long scrape down his arm. Two of his fingers are splinted together. And where his shirt has slightly ridden up they can see bruising starting to form on his ribs.

Will and Hailey speak at the same time. One voice freaked out, the other with the coolness of a cop on the job.

“Jesus, Jay. What happened? Are you okay?”

“Did they put into gen pop?”

His answer is a slight raise of an eyebrow, then his tongue touches his split lip which causes him to wince. 

Nothing.

Will looks at Hailey, panicked, then back to Jay.

“Jay, I’m sorry. I was freaked out. They have so much evidence. But even with all that I don’t know why I would believe it’s true. I should have believed there must be some other explanation.” 

Not sure if he is ready to forgive Will, Jay says nothing to him but speaks to Hailey in a voice lacking all emotion. 

“They didn’t put me in gen pop. They ‘accidentally’ put someone else in my cell…”

“Jay…”

In a calm but cold voice Jay asks, “…Would you like to tell me what crime I’ve been accused of? What crime have I committed that would turn everyone I love, everyone I care about, against me…everyone I thought loved and cared about me?”

“Jay…they haven’t told you why you’ve been arrested?”

“Why does that surprise you? None of you told me.”

To Hailey that feels like a slap in the face and well deserved.

“Jay, we were stunned…”

“Not as much as I was.”

Slap.

“The evidence is overwhelming…”

“And that just wiped everything away, our friendship away?”

Slap.

“No questions asked? No heads up of what was coming down the pipe? No chance to fight? To defend myself?”

Slap.

He stands up then, slowly. One arm held tight against injured ribs. The other one sporting a large bandage on his forearm that wasn’t visible when he was lying down. It’s now that they notice the blood on his clothes.

Slap.

“Knowing that even if a cop is held in protective custody, they are not safe?”

SLAP.

“So, that said, would you like to tell me WHAT THE FUCK YOU BELIEVE I DID!”

Will looks like he is going to breakdown. Hailey does her best to school her face as she tells him. She fails miserably and all of her emotions play out. Anger is eventually what wins out. Although he is not sure if the anger is at him or the situation. He’s not even sure Hailey knows.

“You’ve been accused of the rape and murder of a 16 year old girl.”

All of the oxygen is sucked out of his cell, sucked out of his lungs. All thought leaves his brain and his heart stops beating. His hearing turns off and he goes blind. He has left his body. 

Seconds? minutes? hours? later he comes back into himself. All of his senses come back with a vengeance and he falls to his hands and knees and throws up. When he is done he sits back on his heels, hands on his hips, head down, trying to catch his breath through the pain.

He puts his head up but his eyes are still closed. Breathe, just breathe. 

He knows Will and Hailey are talking to him but can’t make out what they’re saying. Doesn’t really care to know what they’re saying. Rape and murder of a 16 year old girl. 

Breathe.

Rape and murder of a 16 year old girl.

Breathe.

Rape and murder of a 16 year old girl.

I would never…how could they think…He finally looks at them. Tears fill his eyes and escape in a cascade down his face. With heartbreak written all over his face and a voice strangled with emotion he asks, 

“And you think I could do, would do something like that?”

SLAP.


	2. Chapter 2

*******

2 DAYS LATER

He’s been awake for awhile but leaves his arm over his eyes. Voight’s been standing outside the cell for 5 minutes but hasn’t said anything yet. He’s not sure if Voight knows he’s awake but he doesn’t care. The timing is perfect. Voight has arrived when he is riding the rage part of his emotional rollercoaster.

“Hailey told me the evidence they have. It’s all bullshit. Blood in my truck, huh, planted? Witness statement, coerced or made up, your choice. Video of me and the victim at a gas station at the same time? Don’t know what to say about that one. I could have been there at the same time but couldn’t tell you since I don’t know what the victim looked like. It’s weak to say the least.”

“It was at a gas station in Wisconsin. You were in Wisconsin.”

“Still weak.”

“She was dumped in Wisconsin.”

“Yes, I was in Wisconsin. Still weak.”

"Your DNA on her shirt and her arm and underwear. Your saliva on her neck.”

He sits up a little too fast for his aching ribs, “Wait what? Hailey didn’t tell me that. She just said DNA.”

“There’s a lot of DNA Halstead.”

He has nothing to say to that. That is a lot of DNA. But he also knows he didn’t do it, so he knows it’s all been fabricated. It’s taken him 30 seconds think of the ways it could be done. And the more he thinks about those 30 seconds, the more this hurts. They couldn’t spare him 30 seconds?

Finally without looking at Voight, Jay asks “Would you like a hint?”

Nothing. 

Jay painfully gets to his feet, pissed at himself he couldn’t stop the hiss from escaping his lips. 

There is no reaction from Voight about his appearance. He knows Hailey must have told him he got the shit beat out of him and frankly, the lack of reaction hurts. He’s having a hard time holding onto the rage.

“Cuz, the answer to this whole bullshit situation was knocked into ME on the first punch.”

Voight says nothing but something flickers in his eyes.

Jay scoffs and takes a step closer to Voight but that’s as close as he’ll get given the bars in front of him. 

“Did you ever, for even one second, think it was possible I was being framed?

There is something in Voight’s eyes but his lack of affirmation of him possibly being framed, knocks the wind out of him. He knows the pain of not being trusted, not being given the benefit of the doubt is written all over his face. He hates it but at this point doesn’t care and that just sparks his anger. This rollercoaster makes him want to puke.

It is a moment before he finds his voice but it is filled with filled with anger, despair and profound sadness. “I don’t understand this. What did I do?”

Voight doesn’t respond and he really believes his heart could stop beating from the crushing silence that is breaking it. 

Not giving up, desperate to hold on to his anger, he breaks the silence, “Okay, first one’s free. Why don’t you go talk to your buddy Alderman Price about HIS buddy Marcus Pearson.”

Silence but again that flicker.

“They declared a mistrial, right? I testified the morning I got arrested. I get charged with rape and murder, my testimony goes out the window. No case.”

Nothing.

He shrugs, feeling a little defeated. He’s got nothing else. He’s lost the rage. Voight’s stoic countenance has taken it. The sadness and despair are back. He prays it doesn’t show on his face again.

He goes back to his bed and lays down, holding his ribs and stares at the ceiling. He can’t stand how Voight is looking at him. It’s barely a whisper because of the lump in his throat but it has to be said, “A 16 year old girl is dead Voight. They raped and murdered a little girl.” He gives up and puts his arm over his eyes. For right now, in this minute he gives up and lets the tears roll. 

Voight stands there a few more minutes taking in his detective. He sees the tears. He’s not sure what to think but he knows one thing, they fucked up. 

He sighs and moves to leave. “We’ll look into it Halstead.”

He wants to say something snarky back but doesn’t have it in him. So he ignores Voight and hopes they clear him before someone else ‘accidentally’ gets put in his cell.

*******

The blows kept coming. His head was fuzzy and his whole body hurt. He knew he was going to die but the only thing he could think of was what that would do to the team. As much as he wanted to hate them for turning their backs on him, love doesn’t just turn on a dime that way. Or at least it doesn’t for him. He might not like them very much right now. He might not ever want anything to do with them again, but he doesn’t want them to live with that guilt. So, once again, he tries to fight, for himself and the team. He’s able to get in two solid blows, one to someone’s balls and the other to someone’s nose. That’s as far as he got before he was picked up and slammed face first against the wall. Blood was instantly running down his face from the new cut above his eyebrow. At this point, he was only on his feet because two of them were holding him up against the wall. He didn’t have the strength to stand on his own. A couple of quick rabbit punches to his kidneys almost send him to oblivion before one of them pulls his head back from the wall. 

“Go ahead and fight back pig.” He flattened his body against Jay’s and ground his hips against him. “We’re just getting ready to move on to round two and it’s more fun if you fight.”

In a panic, Jay threw an elbow back at his attacker as he struggled to get out of their hold. He was rewarded for his troubles with one of them slamming his head against the wall again. He went down in a heap. Seconds later he could feel them manhandling his dead weight half way onto the bed. His struggles now were nothing more than twitches as his t-shirt was cut away from his body before they started to work at removing his pants. His last thought before he lost consciousness was, ‘at least I won’t be awake for what comes next.’

*******

He groaned as his body slid off the bed and hit the floor. He felt like he was under water, all sound was so muted. He had a vague sense that he still wore his pants but wasn’t sure why that made him feel relief. There were more people in the cell, moving around him. He was stepped on and kicked. He rolled under the bed but then was stepped on again, so maybe rolling under the bed was just an idea but with no follow through. Didn’t matter. None of it mattered and again he slipped away into oblivion.

VOIGHT POV

When we got to his cell they had Jay bent over the bed with his shirt off and were starting to remove his pants. My stomach twisted into knots and would stay that was for the foreseeable future when I think about how close we cut it. How we almost didn’t make it in time. Hell, who am I kidding, if we were on time Jay wouldn’t be laying in a bloody bruised heap on the floor. 

Ruzek, Atwater and I were able to pull the goons off and hand them over to the guards. I knelt down next to Jay and could see he was still conscious but not really with it.

“Jay. Hey, we’re here. Your going to be okay. We’ve got an ambulance coming.”

He struggles to open his eyes a bit wider but even with that accomplishment he still isn’t able to focus.

Ruzek kneels down on the other side of Jay and he panics. He starts to struggle against us. Knowing what he’s just gone through, none of us want to hold him down but that isn’t an option. He’s been stabbed twice in the abdomen with a shiv and all the movement is causing him to bleed more.

“Jay, I need you to hold still you’ve been stabbed. Hold his arms Adam, Atwater, grab his legs. Jay, JAY! I need you to hold still. No one is going to hurt you. Just lie still.”

He calms down but not because he feels safe. He’s just run out of gas. I run my hand over his hair and tell him it’s going to be okay, to lie still. He flinches away when I move my hand to his head a second time. 

“It’s okay Jay. We’re here. You’re gunna be okay.” 

Tears start to leak from his eyes and the paramedics move us out of the way and take over but not before I hear him mumble, “It’s not okay. Nothing is okay.”

*******

LATER THAT NIGHT

Jay starts waking up but his mind is fuzzy. He can feel them there, all crowded into his room, some standing, some sitting. He notices, in his confusion, his hand isn’t cuffed to the bed. His muddled brain doesn’t know what to think of that. He’s hoping they cleared him but the pessimist in him figured he wasn’t cuffed because he was too drugged up to move - making him not much of a flight risk. He thought about opening his eyes but he didn’t want to face them. He didn’t feel strong enough to face them, whether he was cleared or not, so he let himself fall back into oblivion.

*******  
LATER

Voight can tell Jay’s awake but doesn’t say anything. He doesn’t think the rest of the team can tell, except for maybe Hailey. They both let Jay have control of the moment. 

Someone else enters the room, “Hey guys, he wake up yet?”

Will. 

“No. Still out. When will he wake up?”

Adam. Christ. 

“He should be waking up anytime. The sedation was lifted. Now he’s sleeping with just the help of the pain meds.”

Sleeping my ass, he thinks through a drugged out fog . 

Will checks his vitals and his shoes squeak as he turns to leave. “Gotta get back to the ER. Text me if he wakes up. I’ll be back later.”

Jay decides it’s now or never and decides to ‘wake up’ but then what happened in that cell hits him like a freight train. He has no memory of what happened after his shirt was ripped off and he sits up in a rush, adrenaline masking the pain. His eyes are wide with fear. He’s going to be sick. Hailey recognizes it and gets the emesis basin to him just in time. A little watery bile quickly turns into dry heaves. He’s pale, in pain and in the middle of a panic fueled adrenaline rush. It quickly becomes too much, his eyelids flutter and he collapses, unconscious, back onto the bed. 

Antonio runs out of the room to get a doctor.

Hailey puts the emesis basin down and places a hand on each side of Jay’s face and forces him to look at her.

“Jay, open your eyes and look at me. Jay…”

Jay opens his eyes and looks at her with so much desolation it brings tears to her eyes.

She speaks with quiet conviction, “It’s okay. You’re going to be okay. We got to you before they could do anything. They beat the shit out of you Jay, they stabbed you, they didn’t do anything else.”

He searches her eyes looking for the lie. It isn’t there. He closes his eyes.

Her hands never leave his battered face. “Jay, open your eyes.”

He opens his eyes again and meets hers, trusting her in this one area.

“Do you understand me? Do you understand what I just said?”

His eyes never leave hers and he gives a barely perceptible nod, relief showing in his eyes. The relief is only there for a moment before he cocks his head slightly to the side in confusion. His face falls then as he remembers why he’s in a hospital bed in the first place. All masks are gone and everything he is feeling is visible on his face. He looks lost and alone. His pain is palpable, he feels abandoned. Tears slip from his eyes before he turns away and slips back into unconsciousness. 

Moments later a team of doctors and nurses come running in. 

“What happened?“ 

“He woke up in a panic, then got sick.” 

“Did he say anything?”

“No nothing. I think he hurt himself jerking awake like that. He was in a lot of pain and then he passed out again.”

“Okay…” The doctor pats his cheek, “Mr. Halstead? Mr. Halstead, can you open your eyes for me? …There we go. What’s your pain level?”

It takes him a minute but the answer is barely a whisper, “Emotional or physical?“

The doctor leans back and looks at the team in confusion. 

Voight crosses his arms and looks down, shaking his head. He sighs and looks at Jay as he tries to breathe through the pain.

“Mr. Halstead, I’m going to give you something for the pain now. When you wake up again I’ll have a morphine pump waiting for you and you can control the medicine yourself.”

Jay looks at her in desperation and welcomes reprieve from the pain, Jay is out in seconds.

*******

THE NEXT MORNING

When he finally gets his eyes open all the way, he looks around the room, taking everyone in with blurry eyes. He mistakes their guilt for disdain and his heart drops. 

He blows out a breath but doesn’t say anything. The silence is unbearable and the physical pain is creeping up on him. He closes his eyes again, willing the tears that are forming without his permission, to stay behind his closed eyelids. He fails miserably. Tears leak out from the corners of both eyes and make their way to his pillow. He refuses to open his eyes and he refuses to wipe them away and draw attention to them. 

It’s then that Voight realizes Jay doesn’t know what’s going on and is reading something in all of them that is no longer there. Dammit!

“You were right Halstead. Ray Price was behind it. He and Pearson set up the whole thing. One of Pearson’s minions carried out the attack on the girl.”

Ruzek pipes up, a little too chipper given the circumstances, “Everyone’s been arrested, Jay. You’re cleared. All the charges against you have been dropped. They’re all in jail and Pearson will be staying there for a long time.”

He still can’t bring himself to open his eyes. The sadness that’s been crushing his heart this last week is still there but has moved to the back burner, temporarily replaced by anger.

Without opening his eyes and with an edge, Jay croaks out, “So we’re good?”

Voight locks eyes with Hailey, they recognize the loaded question. The rest have no clue and aren’t recognizing the question for what it is. 

They all speak at once.

“We’re good bro.”

“Ya, Jay. Everything’s good. We’re good”

“We got em. They won’t be hurting anyone again.”

Two voices are missing from that onslaught of optimism, Hailey and Voight, they realize what they’ve done. They realize Jay being cleared doesn’t address the elephant in the room.

Jay’s face twists in pain. Ruzek notices and pushes the button on the morphine pump, unaware he’s relieving Jay of emotional pain not physical.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One more chapter after this. Reviews are awesome if you have the time. They really do inspire me to get my butt in gear. LoL


	3. Chapter 3

2 DAYS LATER

He had slept for two days. They didn’t know why he wasn’t waking up but the doctors didn’t seem concerned. Hailey, Voight and Will talked about it. They had a pretty good idea why he wasn’t waking up. Sleeping was less painful, emotionally but they would let it go for now. 

It was about 10 pm on the second day when he was starting to show signs of waking. He lifted his arm and it immediately flopped back down to the bed. He winced and tried again and it went to his side where he’d been stabbed and had two broken ribs.

Suddenly there is a hand on his shoulder, causing him to jerk. His face scrunches in pain and with the pain comes anger. Anger has finally come home to roost and fuck them, fuck them all.

Hailey.

“Jay, hey it’s okay. Just breathe. Breathe through it. Adam get a nurse.”

It was no more that a whisper but it packed a punch, “Get out.” 

No one moves.

His voice is raspy from disuse but finds a bit more volume now that his anger has finally risen to the surface, “Now. Get the fuck out of my room.”

“Jay…”

“Get your hand off me Hailey. Are you fucking kidding me? GET OUT!”

Will, comes rushing in with Adam, “Guys, what’s going on?” He can see how upset Jay is and tries to calm him with his brother-doctor mash-up voice.

“Hey…hey…Jay, you need to calm down.”

He wants to scream at them but the fact that his ‘screams’ come out in a raspy whisper just add to his anger. He tries to sit up but falls back to the bed in pain, “Calm down? Calm down? If you want me to calm down then you all need to get the fuck out of my room.”

His breathing is shallow and he’s holding his side. It’s obvious he’s in even more pain. 

“Why are you even here? Trying to ease your guilty conscience?”

Adam moves to the side of his bed, “No, that’s not…not guilt…we care…”

“Not guilt, Ruzek? NOT guilt?” A tight breath, the pain is becoming unbearable. He weakly jams a finger into Adam’s chest, “that’s the first thing you should be feeling.” He takes them all in, “You…” his voice barely a breath, filled with emotional and physical pain, ”…are the reason I’m here.” 

Dammit, he hated himself for saying it but couldn’t stop himself. He knew it wasn’t really their fault, that laid at the feet of those who framed him. And even if they hadn’t believed it, that might not have prevented him from being arrested and put in jail. But God it hurt that they hadn’t believed in him. The rug was pulled out from under him. For lack of a better word, he was abandoned by them. He is so freakin alone and the pain was bringing it all to the surface. He closed his eyes. 

Everyone is still. They can’t argue with him there. But they had to do something to make it right. They couldn’t just not come see him when he is in the hospital. 

On the verge of tears, his voice quiet and broken, he told them once more what he needed.

“Please, please…can you please just leave.”

That did it. They finally respected his wishes, all beating themselves up for not doing it sooner. In their selfishness to right their wrong, they not only caused Jay more emotional pain but physical pain as well. 

2 DAYS LATER

He’s finally feels somewhat clear headed and he’s alone. He doesn’t know where everyone has been for the last two days but he’s grateful they respected his wishes and stayed away. He needs time to think and has been spinning since he woke up. The pain of the situation is hitting him full force. Not the physical pain but the emotional. Physically he’s feeling a bit better. Emotionally, he feels 10 times worse. He remembers some of what happened since he first woke up but knows there are gaps in time where he’s oblivious to what happened. He doesn’t know what to do about the team and his job. 

Will comes slinking in, unsure if he should be there but not able to help himself. He couldn’t stay away any longer, he desperately needs to be forgiven by his brother. 

It’s the first time Will’s been back since he kicked them all out. And now his damn brother is interrupting his thoughts, invading his space, his anger and his grief. Grief is a good word for it. He feels like he lost something, lost everything. He doesn’t want to talk to Will. Not yet. Probably not soon. Maybe not ever. He needs time to figure things out and Will standing two feet away from him is grinding his spinning mind to a halt and it’s pissing him off. 

Will can sense that Jay’s upset. He has a right to be. 

“Jay. I’m sorry. I should’ve believe you.” He shakes his head and mutters, “I don’t know why I didn’t. I don’t know why I believed the evidence when Voight...”

“Christ, Will…Get out.”

Not sure what to do, since Jay obviously didn’t want to talk yet, Will switches to doctor mode. 

“Okay. I just need to get your vitals and I’ll leave.”

“You’re not my doctor. The nurse just took my vitals. Get out.”

Will looks at Jay for a long moment and the depth of his screw up once again hits him like a ton of bricks, causing him to stumble back a step. Jay looks lost and he’s the reason why. Well, one of the reasons why. The other six are sitting in the bullpen at the 21st district. 

“Jay...”

“Get out Will.” He’s happy his voice didn’t crack but knows he wasn’t able to keep the pain out of that request. He’s pissed he can’t hold on to the anger, that every time with them it so quickly turns into despair. He doesn’t want to deal with this, can’t right now, he just wants to go back to sleep. He pushes the button on the morphine pump. He can’t handle this right now. 

“Jay, I...” The look on Jay’s face brings tears to his eyes. “Sure. I’ll come back later.” 

He stands at the door and watches Jay fall into oblivion. He covers his mouth to stifle a sob, there’s no fixing this. He’s lost his brother. 

*******

Jay signs out AMA the next day. Actually, ‘signs out’ isn’t quite true. He unhooks himself from everything and leaves. He’s not talking to Will. Not talking to Intelligence. Not talking to anyone. He goes back to the apartment when Will’s at work, packs a bag and checks into a hotel, not caring that they’ll track him down through his credit card or the GPS of his phone. They would get the hint. Leave me alone. As he sat on the bed, head in his hands, he realizes how alone he really is. He has no one he can talk this out with. Not even Will. That thought puts the squeeze on his heart. He lays back on the bed and stairs at the ceiling. Tears once again making a trail and running into his hair. He wishes Mouse was here, wishes he could at least talk to him. But he’s on an op. Jay prays he’s safe and falls asleep.

********

3 weeks later

THE BULLPEN

Today they show up and Jay’s desk is empty, all his stuff is gone. Voight comes in and leans against the door. “He’s taking a leave and then going back to G&G.” 

The silence is heavy as it is once again slammed home what they did to Jay, a member of their family.

“How do we fix this?”

Voight huffs. Angry at himself, angry at the situation.

“There is no fixing this.”

That just adds to the weight of the silence. It’s smothering. Guilt will do that to you.

“He’s transferring? Why?”

For whatever reason Ruzek still doesn’t get it. Their minds are all drawn back to yesterday when Jay tried to come back, cleared for desk duty. He had tried to put it behind him. Tried to forgive us. He lasted almost an hour. Then Ruzek opened his mouth because he couldn’t stand the silence, the stillness of Jay as he tried to belong again.

“Come on Jay. The evidence they had, you would have thought the same thing.”

The look on Jay’s face said it all but in a God damn broken voice, he adds the words anyway, “No Adam, I wouldn’t have.” He looks around at the entire team, wanting to pin each of them with an angry look but the anger was gone. He’s not sure what his face was showing them but he knows what he felt - alone.

*******

He’s been back at his apartment for the last week. There is nothing he can really do about Will, they’re living together. Will tries to give him his space. Jay can feel the guilt emanating from him whenever they’re in a room together. There is a part of him that wants to give Will some relief, save him from his guilt and forgive him. But if Jay can’t do it honestly, then he won’t do it at all. So he avoids him, partly so he doesn’t have to see Will’s guilt and partly to give Will a respite from it, out of sight, out of mind, he hopes.

*******

Even outside the team he was alone. It was out now in the 21st that he had been framed, but him being innocent wasn’t interesting gossip compared to him being guilty, so he still received looks of uncertainty. He knew Platt was cracking the whip on that, it was evident during the hour he was back at work but he still couldn’t stay.

*******

He was sick of feeling and wallowing in sad, alone and “angsty,” it wasn’t him, so he talked to the Chief the next day. For now, only he and the Chief knew it was going to be a temporary transfer. He would stay with Guns and Gangs until the pain of NOT working in Intelligence became greater than the pain of staying there. That would give him enough time to sort through things, enough time to forgive, even though he knew forgiveness wouldn’t be a one time thing but a daily occurrence. The transfer would help get him to where he could be willing to learn to trust them again. It would be rough and he would be willing to do it. He just wasn’t there yet. 

THE END

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed this little ditty, it was fun to write. And I hope I did okay with the angsty whump. I enjoy it when I read it in other stories, especially when it goes along with physical whump.
> 
> Just an FYI - there will be an epilogue. I have it outlined but not sure when it will be done.


End file.
